Alcohol Troubleshooting Guide
1) SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet:
CAUSE: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
2) SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet:
CAUSE: Improper bladder control.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training.
3) SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless:
CAUSE: a.Glass empty. b.You’re holding a Coors lite.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
4) SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights:
CAUSE: You have fallen over backward.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have yourself leased to bar.
5) SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butt, back of head covered with ashes.
CAUSE: You have fallen forward.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: See above.
6) SYMPTOM: Drink tasteless, front of shirt is wet:
CAUSE: a.Mouth not open. b.Glass applied to wrong part of face.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
7) SYMPTOM: Floor blurred:
CAUSE: You are looking through the bottom of empty glass.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get someone to buy you another drink.
8) SYMPTOM: Floor moving:
CAUSE: You are being carried out.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
9) SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark:
CAUSE: Bar has closed.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run!
10) SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures:
CAUSE: Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
CORRECTIVE ACTIONS: Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside.
11) SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles:
CAUSE: You are dancing on the table.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Fall on someone cushy-looking.
12) SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear:
CAUSE: It’s wate! Somebody is trying to sober you up.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Punch him.
13) SYMPTOM: People are standing around urinals, talking and putting on makeup:
CAUSE: You’re in the ladies’ room.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers. (optional)
14) SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear:
CAUSE: You have been in a fight.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
15) SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in:
CAUSE: You’ve wondered into the wrong party.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: See if they have free beer.
16) SYMPTOM: Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor, and interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk:
CAUSE: a.You’re in jail. b. You’re in the navy.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don’t talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach.
17) SYMPTOM: Your singing is distorted:
CAUSE: The beer is too weak.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have more beer until voice improves.
18) SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song:
CAUSE: Beer is just right.
CORRECTIVE ACTION: Play air guitar.
This was absolutely HILARIOUS! Thank you for sharing it with me
xo