Alcohol Troubleshooting Guide

1) SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet:

CAUSE: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

CORRECTIVE ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

2) SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet:

CAUSE: Improper bladder control.

CORRECTIVE ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training.

3) SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless:

CAUSE: a.Glass empty. b.You’re holding a Coors lite.

CORRECTIVE ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

4) SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights:

CAUSE: You have fallen over backward.

CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have yourself leased to bar.

5) SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butt, back of head covered with ashes.

CAUSE: You have fallen forward.

CORRECTIVE ACTION: See above.

6) SYMPTOM: Drink tasteless, front of shirt is wet:

CAUSE: a.Mouth not open. b.Glass applied to wrong part of face.

CORRECTIVE ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

7) SYMPTOM: Floor blurred:

CAUSE: You are looking through the bottom of empty glass.

CORRECTIVE ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another drink.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving:

CAUSE: You are being carried out.

CORRECTIVE ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

9) SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark:

CAUSE: Bar has closed.

CORRECTIVE ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run!

10) SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures:

CAUSE: Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

CORRECTIVE ACTIONS: Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside.

11) SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles:

CAUSE: You are dancing on the table.

CORRECTIVE ACTION: Fall on someone cushy-looking.

12) SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear:

CAUSE: It’s wate! Somebody is trying to sober you up.

CORRECTIVE ACTION: Punch him.

13) SYMPTOM: People are standing around urinals, talking and putting on makeup:

CAUSE: You’re in the ladies’ room.

CORRECTIVE ACTION: Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers. (optional)

14) SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear:

CAUSE: You have been in a fight.

CORRECTIVE ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

15) SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in:

CAUSE: You’ve wondered into the wrong party.

CORRECTIVE ACTION: See if they have free beer.

16) SYMPTOM: Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor, and interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk:

CAUSE: a.You’re in jail. b. You’re in the navy.

CORRECTIVE ACTION: Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don’t talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach.

17) SYMPTOM: Your singing is distorted:

CAUSE: The beer is too weak.

CORRECTIVE ACTION: Have more beer until voice improves.

18) SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song:

CAUSE: Beer is just right.

CORRECTIVE ACTION: Play air guitar.

Criticism and Bitching

When does criticism go from constructive to just destructive mean angry bitching? When asked to do something and you say alright. Does that mean you have to do it at that exact point. There is nothing emergent that is going on that you have to stop what you are doing to complete that task, but for some reason if it not done when the dictator says to do it the world is going to end. From the first time of being asked to do the task. Within 10 minutes you have been literally screamed at around 4 times and threatened to be basically flogged for disobedience. I think it is time to overthrow that type of tierney and take back some self respect.

The World and Careers

We go through this existence wondering around without any idea of what we are doing. Not to say that we don’t have plans for what we want. Just without the slightest understanding of how to get their in a way not to alienate, destroy,  or piss off people around us. You have people trying to climb the “corporate ladder” and some do it the respective way. Then you have the others. The ones who sleep with their boss, spread gossip that ruins a co-workers career, or even their personal life. Are the majority of people in this world that petty, or am I just become that pessimistic that I don’t really see the good in people anymore? Or is the world becoming a cut-throat society where anything goes as long as you get what you want.

Staring Into The Mirror

Staring into the mirror what do you see? I’m not talking about your first glance, but if you really look hard. Do you eventually see what the life your leading has done to you? Your looking for the first time and see things you know shouldn’t be there. You know your young, but your reflection tells another story. The person staring back at you looks old, tired, and drained of life. You start contemplating your actions, and you realize that you need to change your ways, because if you keep going through life like you have been. You will look old in the mirror, but young in your coffin.

Joe “The Plumber” Now “The Reporter”?

Alright people I guess Joe “The Plumber” was not satisfied with his 15 minutes of fame, or the “book” that he supposedly wrote. Now this wannabe humanitarian is heading to Israel to talk and report back on what average joes there think. Now alright I give him the credit that he has a pair to go over there right now with the war, but you have to also think that this guy is not all there. He is the sole provider for a son and does not have any experience in foreign affairs. He is liable to become his own martyr which in the back of my mind I think is his mind set. Stating that he is a christian man and Jesus will protect him. Does he really know where he is going? Lets see wasn’t Jesus crucified somewhere around there? I think this man is completely delusional and should be locked away in a mental hospital. Do we really want to have this man essentially acting as an ambassador for this country. I don’t think that this is the message we want to send out to the world, but I could always be wrong.

Family Problems

When it comes to family issues there is no one that takes the blame. Everybody is wrong except the one person who is really to blame. They like to blame everyone else for there problems and current situation instead of looking at themselves. Unfortunately they are family so you can’t really just say screw you. Or can you? I think you can. There is no reason why you have to swallow your pride and very angry thoughts just because they are related to you, and you have that little annoying voice in your head saying take the high ground. Bullshit plain and simple. I’m tired of letting myself get walked on and worked over. So when next time comes and I guarantee you it will and not take very long. There will be hell to pay and there will be no holding back for the sake of family relations.

Society and War

Jack Nicholson had it right. “Can’t we all just get along”? A wonderful statement. The sad thing is after the centuries of wars in the name of religion, world wars, and simple disagreements it seems we can’t. In our advanced society that we have, or are suppose to have in this day in age. We can’t understand the other greatest quote. “United we stand, alone we fall”. Will there ever be an end to it all, or are we going to end up hitting that world ending button. The one that guarantees our ultimate destruction. As it stands now we kind of have a bleak outlook on humanity.

New Year, Same Problems

Another year has gone by yet the memories still remain. New Years eve doesn’t have the same effect for me anymore. Its not the happy party time fun it used to be. Last year I proposed to my now ex fiance, and it will forever be a dark and grim day for me. Let that be a lesson to anyone thinking about getting married. Do not propose on a holiday, because if it goes wrong every year on that day it will be a gigantic slap in the face as a reminder that you were fucked over. I think I’m sounding a little jaded, but its my blog and I’ll bitch if I want to. Hopefully some good will come my way this year and I can try to put the past where it belongs. In a dark deep hole never to be thought of again.

The Letter

This is a letter I am sure most people would have at least one person they would like to send this to.

You know everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but when you go behind someones back and go crying to another its pathetic. When you don’t have the balls to confront that person yourself. You make yourself look more childish than your children. When it apparently shows that they have more maturity than you. If you don’t like what you see you have a choice. Don’t look, or keep your mouth shut, because you are not in control of the world. The world controls you, and if thats being to polite then.”Kiss My Ass You Whiny Little Bitch”

Joe the Plumber is an Author

This is a joke right?